


Alone With You

by TamChronin



Category: Tokyo Babylon
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-01-04
Updated: 2003-01-04
Packaged: 2019-06-11 19:59:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15323178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TamChronin/pseuds/TamChronin
Summary: Subaru looks out over Tokyo from Tokyo Tower and gets lost in his thoughts. Just some sleep-deprived introspection upon being alone.





	Alone With You

Standing close to the glass, I saw the majestic glitter of the city I now called home.  Cold gleaming diamonds that dotted the landscape marked the homes--the lives and livelihoods of millions of people.  From here they were just pinpricks of light and it was almost stunning to imagine that they were each representative of someone using that source to illuminate their activity at that moment.  It was literally too much to take in at once, and only two of us shared this view tonight.

The two of us, alone.

I didn't dare turn from the glass right now.  I was...I was absorbed.  In thought.  I didn't want to share that with him.  I was reflecting, and my thoughts were ghostly images like the one of myself that came back at me from the window I gazed out of.  No, not like the ghost I, or, we had helped earlier tonight--or, this morning.  I glanced down at my hands, then back up again.

Yes, I had so much on my mind.

I could feel the distance within me grow.  The whole world was this distance, like every soul I saw was a pinprick of light in the distance so that I didn't have to feel guilty that they couldn't touch me anymore.

No, they did.  Every single one touched me.  And I was overwhelmed by how much I was touched.  Whose life was I living anymore?  Mine, or theirs?

I was the one who couldn't touch others.  I was there and gone so fast.  They thought they saw me, they thought they were touched by me, but once their problems were gone I was just as gone from their lives.  They thought they were touched by my presence, but I was just an echo of an afterimage of a real person to them.

I saw their pain.  I saw their deepest depths.  So I was the one who was touched.

I ran a finger over the image in the glass before me, feeling empty at the lack of a fingerprint or the least little smudge to mark that I'd reached out.  The gloves were my constant companion.  Grandmother said they were my protection, but they felt like my prison.

Bars to keep us in, bars to keep them out, if you couldn't break free, did it matter what side you were on?

I blew my bangs out of my face, realizing that it may just be lack of sleep that made me more melancholy than usual.  Silly of me, really.  I'd never be the bundle of happy energy that Hokuto was, but that was no excuse to be so wrapped up in myself like that.  Was it?

Of course not.

"Subaru-kun?"

"I'm just enjoying the view while it's still dark.  The city really never sleeps, does it Seishirou-san?"

He laughed as he walked up closer behind me.

He had been watching me the whole time.  I could feel his eyes upon me, and that's part of what drove me to melancholy.  What he had said about loneliness and reaching out to love another...it had struck an uncomfortable chord within me.

"Oh, I don't know.  There were slightly fewer lights and cars half an hour ago when you started to stare.  If the city never sleeps, how do you explain that it's waking up right now?"

I smiled in return, but swallowed hard when my eyes met his.  It was habit to look someone in the eye when talking, so when he spoke I had turned to look at him...and that much alone had almost brought a blush to my face.  It was safer to just look outside.

Yet, my eyes sought him out in the reflection shown in the glass.  I continued to stare, hoping he wouldn't look close enough at my reflection to see where my eyes landed.

He puzzled me.  He worried me.  He spoke of love as if it were really that easy.  My heart sped up at the thought--what if I just let it happen?  What if I forgot myself?  What if I decided it didn't matter that I was busy enough with my job and school, so I could just let myself do what I want?  What if I forgot all about how nervous and fluttery he made me feel because he was so much older?

What if I forgot that insecure part of me that whispered over and over that he was insincere?

I couldn't.  I just couldn't.  Maybe he could announce love to anyone who would listen after so short a time, but I just couldn't.  I had duty.  I had dreams.  I had doubts.

I looked down at my gloved hands again and thought, I also have destiny.  There was too much unresolved in my life.  Too many unknowns.  It was hard enough keeping something like this from Hokuto.  What if I gave in to Seishirou's advances, and I couldn't explain why I didn't take these gloves off?  I could shrug off questions at any other time, but what if--?

I found myself burning with the heat of my blush at the direction my thoughts took.  I couldn't handle it anymore.

And Seishirou's reflection gave me a knowing smile that made me want to hide in shame forever.

I had to say something.  Anything.  I had to distract myself and stop this "comfortable" silence before I got too comfortable with it.

"The sky is getting lighter," is all my limited wit could come up with.

"Indeed," he agreed with a smile.  "Soon you won't be able to see my reflection in the window behind you."

"Seishirou-san!"  I turned around quickly, wishing for something...anything...to happen and interrupt this awkward moment.  Hokuto was usually good for that.  Wait, no, she usually just made it worse.  But she was good at finding distractions at least.

And she wasn't here, of course.

"Oh, you weren't looking?  I think I'm hurt, Subaru-kun."

The way he mockingly put his hand over his heart as if wounded...he did that a lot.  Acting out like this, being silly in the light of serious moments.

Or was I the only one being serious?

Should I be laughing and teasing back like Hokuto always did?  Would that be right?  I just didn't know, and I worried about not knowing.  I wasn't used to teasing like this from anyone but Hokuto, so I just didn't know if he was serious or playing and I had no idea how to react.

"I--I...."

He walked closer.  "You what, Subaru-kun?"

He was standing so close...so close...he bent over me, leaning, closer, and I could just stand there with my eyes getting bigger and my heart pounding.  He'd done this before.  Leaning in, closer and closer, and I always thought the same thing.

He's going to kiss me...he's going to kiss me...he's going to kiss me...he's going to kiss me....

Then came the next thought that always hit me.

Do I want him to?

Do I want to share my first kiss with him?  Don't I?

What would it be like?

Would I mess it up?

What if he--?

What if I--?

What should I do?

Then, before I could gather the derailed train of thoughts back where it belonged, he was pulling back.  "It sounds like we're about to have company...we'll be able to have breakfast before Hokuto-chan comes to pick us up."

Hm, pick us up, right.  It would be more like she would show up to check up on us...on me...to find out if we did anything "naughty" with our time alone all night.

"We could just go.  I'm not very hungry...."

"Nonsense!"  He laughed.  "It has been a long night and even if you're not hungry, I am."

Was that an innuendo?

Should I be laughing, or agreeing?

He made me so flustered!  I didn't know what to say.  I didn't know how to act.  I had no idea what he meant or how to take what he said so much of the time.

"I suppose it would be rude of me to stare while you eat, so I suppose breakfast would be good."

The way he laughed, I wasn't sure if I said the right thing or not.

I looked down again at my hands.  My gloves.

My prison.

I might take a chance, if only...if only....

~~~~~@~~~~~

It was a while until we could get breakfast, and it took longer still for Hokuto to show up.  Seishirou insisted that we wait for her, and I wasn't inclined to argue.  I dozed at the table a few times, but when she did show up I became wide awake in a hurry.

It was as bad as I feared.

No, it was worse.

"All the doors were locked, so we spent the entire night together alone."

I coughed.  Could he have said that any more suggestively???  Soon I was choking, listening to the two of them go back and forth.

Especially when he told her, "I'll leave that up to your imagination."

I couldn't listen to this any longer.  "I'm going on ahead," I announced, jumping up.  Thoughts of those times I thought he was about to kiss me ran through my head and wouldn't leave me alone.  But, were those just innocent, friendly gestures that I was misinterpreting?  They had to be, right?

But the way Seishirou leaned close and began to whisper conspiratorially, "Well, you see..."

Was he going to say he almost kissed me?  To my sister?  "Seishirou-san!!!"

I nearly ran from them, leaving for the safety of the streets below as fast as I could.

No, even that wasn't safe.  Even as I said a final wistful farewell to the ghost, Kazue, she came up behind me to demand an answer.

An answer I didn't know how to give, and wouldn't if I could.

I ran.

~~~~~@~~~~~

"You know, you can tell me anything.  I'm your twin, so I'm your other half you know."

I rolled my eyes, thinking of all the things she didn't know about me.  "Okay, okay, but nothing happened!"

Her grin only grew as she closed my apartment door behind us.  "Your lips say no, but your blush tells me another story."

"No!"  But, of course, the treacherous blush just grew.

"You can't hide things from me!"  She was laughing, taunting me.

Little did she know.  "The same way you don't hide things from me?"

"Girls are supposed to be mysterious, so of course I hide things from you."  Her tone was smug, matter-of-fact.

I smiled, but it was overcome by a yawn.  "Hokuto-chan, I--"

"Oh, go to sleep."  She became motherly.  "You look so tired it's obvious you two didn't sleep together."

My jaw hung open in shock.  The blush that had been subsiding became a glow you could guide airplanes by.  I tried to stutter out something, but I couldn't respond to that.

She just laughed, opening the door to leave.  "Sleep!  I'll be back in eight hours with some food, and you'd better be fast asleep when I return!"

With that I was alone.

As I stumbled back to the bedroom I replayed it all.

Useless emotion.

Because we're lonely.

We all want to reach out to someone.

I carefully took off my gloves, knowing I was safely alone.  I felt the soft fabric from the outside, touching it with wonder.  When others reached out to me, this was all they would feel.  All they could touch.  All they would know of me....

As my tears of loneliness fell, I touched their cold wetness, wishing it was another's tears I could feel.  I wanted to reach out to someone too, but I wasn't allowed.  Why?  I couldn't remember it all.  I didn't want to remember it all.  I carefully undressed, then slipped on my comfortable pajamas.  I held a fresh pair of gloves hesitantly.  Hokuto would return before I woke up.  I had to have them on.

I turned them over, looking at them sadly.

I wanted to reach out to someone too.  I wanted to touch and be touched.

"Seishirou-san," I whispered softly, pretending to reach out to the one that was not there.

Another yawn and I pulled on the new gloves.  I fell back, pulling up my sheet and sinking into my pillow.

Seishirou-san, I thought as I drifted off.  Even when I was alone with you I was alone, with you.


End file.
